Past Deadline: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (2009)

Yes, it’s time for the mostly annual ritual of me butchering a lovely classic poem. So, with apologies (yet again) to Clement Clark Moore, I present the following:

’Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
We could hear Buster yowling as he killed a toy mouse.
The stockings were hung from the dining room chairs (because we have no chimney, which has been a source of consternation by times)
In the hope that Saint Nicolas would be able to find them there.
When what to my tired old eyes did appear
But a worried Boychild. “Why are you here?”
I mumbled as usual. “You should be in bed.
“But Mom!” was what the sleepy child said.
“I’m worried that Santa won’t bring me the toys
“Because at our house we make too much noise.”
“Pardon?” I hollered over the din
As Buster paraded his toy mouse in.
“Well, Santa won’t come until we’re all sleeping
“And everyone’s still up and Buster is leaping.
“Santa has so many places to be
“If he runs out of time there’ll be no presents for me!”
I heaved a big sigh and glanced at the clock
Alarmed by the time as I heard it tick tock.
Its hands were now moving into the wee hours
And I still needed some magical Christmas-preparation powers.
I took Boychild’s hand and led him to bed
Muttering about sugar plums dancing in his head.
Soon I could hear his small gentle snores
And knew it was safe to break out the s’mores. (Hey – it rhymes with snores).
As I hustled to finish some last-minute wrapping
I thought I could hear some gentle tap-tapping.
My heart skipped a beat – do you think it could be
That the Stress-Free Holiday Fairy™ has come back to me?
(Oh, come on. You can’t expect me to not mention my fairy tale dream rescue fairy at this time of year!)
Ahem. Yes. So. Where was I?
With a crash and a clatter and sparkle of light
The fairy was back! She would save me tonight
From the peril that is of my very own making:
The clutter, the wrapping and the sheer lack of baking.
“Tsk tsk,” she did say, with a wink and a grin,
“You had better pass me that bottle of gin.”
(Okay. I totally made that up. The Stress-Free Holiday Fairy™ is not a gin drinker.)
So I opened the w(h)ine and we sat by the fire…
(Stop stop stop. This is absolutely wrong. I already said we don’t have a fireplace.)
Okay. Ahem.
“Tsk tsk,” she did say, with a wink and grin,
“It looks like I have to rescue you ag’in.”
“It’s true,” I admitted, hanging my head
“I’ve done it again. I’ve sure made my bed.”
She chortled and chided, “That’s funny, you see
“That your bed isn’t made is quite obvious to me!”
With that she began to bustle around
She cleaned and she baked with barely a sound.
In a flash the house was as clean as could be
And the presents were wrapped and under the tree.
The freezer was filled with baked goods galore
With a glorious fruitcake for me to adore. (Yum. Fruitcake!)
I felt so much joy that I wanted to weep,
But remembering Boychild I made nary a peep.
And as the good Fairy prepared to take flight,
She wished one and all a joyful good night!

Ah, dare to dream. May you all have a Stress-Free Holiday Fairy help you this week, and Boychild, Girlchild, Groom-boy and I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and all the best in 2010!