Friday, December 23, 2011

Past Deadline: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas 2011

Christmas already? Why, that can only mean it’s time to extend my heartfelt apologies once again to Clement Clark Moore as I embark upon my annual butchering of his beloved classic, ’Twas the Night Before Christmas. After all, what would the holidays be without some wreaking of literary havoc upon poor, hapless poets and readers?

’Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house

The children used light sabres in order to joust.

The stockings were buried under debris

And Mama looked a bit like she wanted to flee.

The company would be coming

The turkey soon thawed

And Mama hoped everyone would be truly awed.

“Your house is divine,” Mama hoped they would say,

“It should be on the house tour – book it today!” [That would be the Hoarders house tour, maybe?]

She snapped out of her daydream when she heard such a clatter

And ran to the next room to see what was the matter.

Boychild and Girlchild were standing alarmed

As the Christmas tree toppled – but no one was harmed. [This didn’t really happen – but I often imagine it could when the light sabre fights get going.]

“What are you doing?” Mama shrieked and she hollered,

And then Groom-boy came in and the kitty cats follered. [Ha. “Follered” is not a real word, but some people say it that way.]

“It’s her fault!” “It’s his fault!” the arguments started

But Mama just stood there, feeling all broken-hearted.

“The ornaments,” she whispered. “So many are broken.

“Some were real treasures and beautiful tokens.”

The room grew solemn and Groom-boy jumped in

Promising to make things as neat as a pin.

The children were worried. Would Santa still come?

Would they get any presents after what they had done?

Everyone pitched in while Mama went off

To work in the kitchen and, um, started to cough.

When what to her grateful eyes should appear

But the Stress-Free Holiday Fairy™! What cheer!

“You’re late!” Mama cried. “I have been so stressed out

“That I can’t even remember what Christmas is about!

“The cooking, the cleaning, the buying, the wrapping

“It just leaves me feeling as if I should be napping.

“And now the tree’s ruined and the company’s coming

“I’m just not sure how I can keep it all humming!”

The fairy, of course, sprite that she is

Gave a wink and conjured a drink with some fizz.

“Take a deep breath and then take a wee sip,

“And before too long you’ll have plenty of zip!”

The drink was quite yummy and before Mama knew it

She’d sipped and she’d sipped and got all the way through it.

Meanwhile the fairy got quickly to work,

Waving her wand as if she’d gone berserk.

Soon the clutter was gone and the meal prep completed

And best of all was the tree accident was deleted.

“Good as new!” cried the fairy. “Everything will be fine

“And you must remember to enjoy this grand time!”

With a wink and grin and a twinkling eye

She blew Mama a kiss and took to the sky.

Mama peeked in the room and to her delight

Saw the family and kitties basking in the tree’s light.

“Everything good?” she asked with a smile

And knew she’d be thanking her fairy for a while.

Phew. You gotta love that Stress-Free Holiday Fairy™. Have you seen her? I’m still hoping. Anyway, Boychild, Girlchild, Groom-boy and I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and all the best in 2012!

Published in The Perth Courier, Dec. 22/11

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